The purpose in all relationship work is to understand how you got to where you are. It’s about learning the dance that got you there. What do you both see on the outside with your partner? How do you really feel underneath? What are your deepest needs and longings with your partner? What does your partner hear when really you are trying to say you want to get closer and more connected? How is it you both mean to get closer and care tremendously about the relationship, but somehow you miss each other? What happened and how did you get lost? We will find the pattern and the deeper meaning. Our work includes finding this dance you do, finding deeper needs and longings, and sharing them with each other as you better understand yourself and needs.

In session we won’t keep the negative dance going on live (anger, blaming, criticizing) without slowing things down and understand what we are seeing. But we will understand what the anger, blaming, and criticizing is trying to say in a deeper more connecting way that you partner can hear. Emotions make sense. We just need to give them space to breathe and get curious about them. I try to interrupt often but appropriately to slow this dance and make sense of your inner experience. That’s my role, and I care what you are going through. 

This model of therapy is an emotional experience, not just a cognitive one. And we will pace this approach of going deeper. When we hold stress, emotional pain, or anger, our bodies often hold these emotions and manifest them sometimes through a tight chest, closed throat, tension, or heavy head. As emotions come up in session I will often have you go inside and tell me what is happening emotionally for you. I’ll guide you on this and help you make the connection. Maybe you realize that what you are really experiencing is loneliness, longing for closeness, or that you don’t feel worthy or good enough, and you just need acceptance and your best friend by your side. You don’t have to be emotionally deep and comfortable in this area to be in counseling. I start right where you are. EFT is my primary therapeutic approach in counseling because it is the one I deeply believe in.

For more information visit http://iceeft.com/what-is-eft/

My job as a couples/marriage therapist is to be a process consultant. What is happening on the surface and how that is a strategy to fight for connection, and what the significant messages are under the surface for both partners is a practiced part in counseling. We do things for a good reason, but that isn’t always clear when couples are stuck in a painful dance/cycle. The goal is to help you do life and relationships, risk, open up, connect with attachment figures and safely explore the world around you. Sometimes it is assumed both partners want their relationship to be saved and are coming into counseling unified in this direction. Often times this is the case, but you may also find yourself so disconnected and unsure about what to do, you come into counseling without goals. This can be powerful and intimidating. You are qualified to start counseling wherever you may currently be. You don’t need to want to save the relationship, you can want to save your marriage, you can work towards divorce/separation, your partner can have one foot in and one foot out, or you can have different goals and interests.